Where are you taking us?

With the exams over, the last few days have been spent working, babe-ogling*, and researching on internships and the expedition to come. We agonized, quarreled and rejoiced over every issue laid upon the table. To GD and SnS, I know even now you guys still have apprehensions about the long hard road to the temples. It won't be easy, and yes, every step will be out of our comfort zone. I'm no visionary, thus I can't assure you all that everything everywhere will be fun. The only thing I am certain of, is that every step will indeed be one worth more than all the parties, prata, shopping and movie sessions the four of us have done in these eight years.

I rarely worried when I travelled overseas. At the oddest times, I even imagined that dying in a beautiful place far away from the woes of home would indeed be a beautiful thing. Like a newborn infant in the land of giants, I just wandered and explored, occasionally talking to the people who passed my way. This world I know was far too big for me to ever know, and the greatest JOB on this planet is already taken by Ian Wright. I don't spend much, I take lotsa pictures, I'm not addicted to my computer, I read and I write my journal....ALOT. Mystically frugal, but certainly not reclusive, life never gets better than this.

Yes, I believe you guys may doubt my ability to take all of you there since you perfectly know when I cave in to my fear. On the surface, it seems like everyone is planning and working, but the truth is I'm the only one giving ideas. Deep down, I'm feeling anything but blind courage, while the rest of my thoughts and intentions are mixed with various other interests. There is fear coupled with lofty expectations. If all of you get back home safely, well Iife goes back to normal. If the worst befalls us, I am certain not a single one of you would want to shoulder the blame equally right? The ONLY thing I dream of is to trek the dirt tracks of Siem Reap and watch the sunset from the pagoda at Angkor. Yet, I am only able to think of Malau's hearfelt words many, many months ago.

'I do feel there are less and less things we have in common...as a group'

Unfortunately there lies truth in the echoes. On the surface, we are one, but deep inside some hearts, that has become a thing of the past. I am sad that it has actually de-generated into such a state, so what lies ahead for us? Does such a friendship even have a future? Bonds are not made through merry-making, they are forged through teamwork in the midst of trials. How much of a friend am I to you? If we bask in the sun, perhaps we may never know. Walk beside me, with our burdens grinding our backs and the sun blazing across our Oakelys, we shall seek the answer out together.

*An artistic act of distraction performed during the course of mundane work. At time it yields extremely orgasmic results.

Crusade: X-zams

Quote of the day (or every now and then): 'The girl of your affections has eyes for everyone but you'-Nicky Z

Yes, in the midst of papers that decimate my armies of brain cells, I'm here alone, drifting in thoughts that hardly matter. If love is war, then hope is frail. In the end, I really think I'm not brave enough to fight for what means the most.

I knew that when I decided to put the past behind, a part of me died, while another grew up only too fast. I wished I had the freedom to choose, in a world free of my own conscience. Somehow, I just couldn't. Was I right in keeping the faith, or did leaving mean I feared to give myself that chance?

I know many others have walked my path. Time and time again, the battle between faith and love, religion and romance, duty and emotion. Some kept it, others abandoned it all. Still, I do not know who is right. Maybe those monks were right, there really isn't someone out there waiting for you. The destiny of spirituality is solitude. Man can walk above and beyond the threshold of companionship.

At times, I wonder why God allows me to feel that way. Loneliness seems so much simpler, so why is there a need to be drawn to someone whom you can't have? I've got a heart made of glass. It cuts, it cracks, then it bleeds. Unfortunately, my tears do not flow together with it. Two questions I hear someone ask.

"What are you afraid of?"

That it wasn't meant to be.

"This time... how much does it mean to you?"

Nothing?

I look up into the sky and remember that I'm human.

"Everything"

Christendom's Greatest Composers

Once in a while, I like to browse through my own CD collection and bemoan the fact that my apartment isn't big enough to contain more. My music consumption isn't as extensive or diverse as my sister's and I have a bad habit of listening to the same songs over and over again. It's hard to specify the exact genres I love, although hybrid melodies and chamber music work best for me (and yes, the occasional feeds of techno for an adrenaline over drive). So music is a fluid form of art, containing more dimensions than words for me. Nevertheless, I hope to continue un-covering some of my 'hit-treasures' in the days to come.


"Can you catch the wind, see the breeze? It's presence is revealed by the leaves on the tree. An image of my faith in the unseen."-dcTalk, 'Mind's eye'.

It is hard to measure how much of my spirituality, or faith can be attributed to the lyrical works of Toby and Mike and Kevin, the trio that make-up Grammy-winning gospel group dcTalk. With their declarative blend of rock n roll and hip hop, its little wonder that I find my groove in similar outfits like Linkin Park or even U2. Its hard to turn me on with jazz, because e-guitar rfits and sampled beats had been my staple diet for some years now. Even when it came to the sacred act of worship, there wasn't poetry and rhythmn that could bring divine knowledge closer to my heart. These guys placed words into music to make songs taste finer than wine. Conventional praise and worship songs made God a heart-broken Romeo and the believers the forlorn bride. To a young teen who battled with anger, anxiety and the meaning of life, dcTalk showed me a more radical and powerful image of the Divine. In their songs, He was a God who could be an all consuming fire, yet encompassing in love and mercy, who knew the depraved conditon of the soul's disease.

At one point, perhaps due to casual relationships established by extremist media researchers, most churches became cautious to the effects of rock music. Some even hold on to the imaginary pillar of truth, that Guns 'N Roses encouraged devil worship in their songs. Formed in the early 1980s in Virginia, USA. dcTalk was greeted with the same apprehension for being the founding fathers of Chrisitan Contemporary Music. It should be noted that before Toby Mckeehan burst into the scene, chrisitian rap was unheard of in the airwaves around the globe. These 3 guys took musical influences from MC Hammer to Red Hot Chilli Peppers. What remains of such creative fervour is imminent in today's emergence of Nu Metal outfits like LimpBizkit.

Sample their tracks and you will discover other salient themes within their music. Racism, broken homes and cost of stumbling in a world with never-ending temptations. So after 2 platinum albums and 4 Grammys, the band has finally decided to pursue their own projects, which is quite disappointing now that the 3 of them don't sound as good alone. It seems as if the chimeric style of rock, rap and poetry has been fragmented. Nevertheless, with hits like 'Consume me' and 'Supernatural', their works have certainly transcended the tradtional canons of worship and contemporary music.

Giving love

Miraculously, there came a time when all this inward emo-inflection of self-penned stories on frienship and love got to my nerves. Yes, it struck me one day while browsing through the photographs of all the hot babes that I collected. There was a sublimal erosion of beauty and youth. I went on to observe their lives, the happenings that captured their attention, and it dawned upon me that all forms of self-pursuit carried to the extreme spawn self-indulgence. When that happens, one is eaten alive, from the inside. Man and woman, all genders faced the same fate.

Adonis was right. Think about yourself, love yourself, cry and whimper for yourself. You will drown in your own image.

I prayed, I thought and I slept, desiring to find the utopia where no expectations existed, where you could really find yourself, and yet not die a slow death within.

It finally came through a casual question, and an invitation to be a teaching volunteer for special needs children. There wasn't money, glory, fame or even achievement. If you were really keen, all you could ever do was to give freely.

I stepped into the classroom on the first day. I was nervous and apprehensive. What if I couldn't teach them? What if I made them cry? Could I ever understand them? Yet the moment I laid eyes on them, each and everyone of those kids melted my heart. They never knew as much as we did, yet their hearts were pure. You could see it in their eyes. Society could never stop for them, but they carried on living with smiles on their faces. So I thought, danced and played with them. When they understood and followed what I did, the feeling I had was unlike any I had felt in my whole life.

Really, its one in a million. That explains the glow on the volunteers' faces. By giving themselves to others, they became beautiful.

There was a girl by the name of Bessie. When we were having classes she never spoke a word and avioded contact with all but a few of the kids. I tried to enagage her, by asking her questions and making her laugh at my lame jokes. On the last day, after I hugged and shook hands with the rest of the kids. I went over to where she was sitting and asked her for a high-five. She tapped my palm lightly and dugged into her pocket, taking out a purple Hacks candy.

"Don't give it to them!"

That was the first time she spoke to me. Deep inside, I felt something had grown bigger. It never grew that much, not even when I tasted my first kiss.

It was my heart.