Silence...until we meet again

For the record, this is not an emotional entry. What happens here is that ALL the literary inspiration has been channelled to defeat the tsunami of essay datelines, thus there are some leftovers I can use here.

So now the waves of my heart and mind have subsided. I'm not surfing yet, and I'm thankful this weekend will be one that brings much needed peace. I'm just gonna clean my board and polish my weapons, its quite meditative once you actually get into the motions.

Its like waiting for something to happen, because it definitely will. An answered prayer, or an unrequited desire, well it ain't for me to decide. Like what I wrote earlier, I'm in space and she's on earth. For now, self-imposed exile is the only way I can find some answers. It does confound me, how fate can be so unfair to two mathematically compatible individuals. But maybe, the current state of things might not be so bad. I admit I can be a hopeless emo-kid, but that shouldn't be mistaken for desperation. If your prayers have been heard, there is no point wondering what could have happened if you decided otherwise.

Yet, when we let our hearts decide, we just want things to happen fast. What a painful irony, to know that what starts fast...ends fast as well. At the same time, because you are ONE of a kind, I'm not bowing out without a fight either. For now, just let me lie on the bench, fold paper pigs, and nap every now and then. Because if you're not looking, then I'm not in a rush either. Do let me know once your season starts, and don't fix your match.

I'll go into SEED MODE* and kick some serious ass...just for you

*In the Gundam Seed animation series, SEED mode refers to a heighten sense of spatial and tactical awareness in the mobile suit pilot. It usually results in superhuman feats of strength and skill. A single fighter in SEED mode can suddenly decapitate opponents who are even more highly skilled than he is. Its called berserk...in simple english :P

Faraway

The 'tsunami' is finally over...With what I was feeling it didn't seem like drowning. I guess it was a miracle to ride the wave with lovesickness in my head. LOL

For the record, the last AMV was deleted...because I've found a better one. LOL. Ok lah, this will be the last you will see of my emo-shitness. For those of you who don't follow the Gundam series, the couple in the vid did not end up together.

She had to fulfill her duties as sovereign of the nation of Orb.

He got stuck with a young pinkhead who idolized him back in the space colonies, because he happened to be ZAFT's top MS pilot

One on earth, the other in space.

That's how its gonna be? I can't wait for the sequel to be out man. He needs her...not that pinkhead!

And yes...I'm still in space...can't wait to go back to earth. Who says co-ordinators & naturals can't be together? Co-ordinators have a heart too, like me. A natural stole it, I'm sure.

Faraway for far too long? I'll wait nonetheless.

Stoic?

When I was younger, I talked and acted like a clown. Today, if its not on stage or in a crowd, tranquility is bliss. I feel my thoughts getting clearer as I age. Perhaps its because I've learnt to separate my mind from my heart, and thus learn to differentiate the two.

But love, like they say is neither good, nor evil. If good and evil come from the will, then where does love come from?

So, if you remain in my heart, what does that make you?

I do succumb to my emotions, even though they cloud my judgement. When you fall, you do want things to happen fast. I can't see the end, so I don't know if I will get wings or I will plunge to the ground.

For now, just take it that the experience is rather thrilling. I shall enjoy it while it lasts.

Marcus Aurelius, emperor of Rome was a composed, rational man. An excellent statesman and a wise ruler, he wrote "Meditations" which became one of the most famous works in Stoic philosophy. What interests me, is that unlike most emperors, he only took one wife, Faustina the younger, who bore him 13 children. Historians describe her as a 'woman of lively personality, who frequently accompanied her husband on various military campaigns'

Conclusion: Stoics ATTRACT chilli padis....

Time for me to shed my crap....LOL

*rolls eyes*

Right, I'm not sure who reads this but man, let's just pretend you were living in urban NYC. One day, your relatives from the Shandong province of China managed to get an Internet conncection. Well fine right? Technology results in more educated people ya? So your village cousin has a friendster account and adds you as a friend. Yes, friendster profiles are public spaces for you to post any pic you want, regardless of GENDER. Just happens that you have a few pics where you're the only bloke with one or more babes, standing close to each other all chummy and all. Hah! your ah tiong relatives saw it and start telling the whole VILLAGE that you're married! WTH............

Its only an analogy, but that was how I felt when Dad came back one day and asked me why I didn't tell him I had a girlfriend.....

He got the news from Grandma.

HUH?!

Because 1st aunt told her.

HUH?!

Oh because 1st aunt's daughter saw my friendster pictures and thought one of the girls standing next to me was my beau.

*Shakes head*

My mother sighed. First, she knows that IF something like that happens she would never be kept in the dark. Secondly everyone on her side of the family has pictures like that! What's the huge deal man? Like really, my whole computer has soo much 'scandalous' stuff and they can't beat my cousin (the son of my mom's sister) who is this fat ass who pimped himself with 6 bikini babes on a yacht in polaroid!

Sigh sigh sigh.....

Now, the whole village will be expecting me to produce an heir?

Chilvary & the Cliche

I've been wanting to write about this film ever since I first laid eyes on it. Maybe it was mentioned in passing on one of my earlier entries, but nevertheless, since I'm still not in the mood for much in the morning, I shall reflect on one of film's most powerful romances.

When I use 'romance', its not the lovey-dovey boy meets girl kind of story where star crossed lovers get complicated by their own hearts. Romance, like what those textual theorists say, is simlpy a genre of medieval narrative fiction. While it appears to be pretty specific in definition, space operas like Star Wars and Robotech have actually found their way into the canon. I shan't expound on the plot or digress to those discursive practices which some of my readers might dread. This movie has cliches that make language more sophisticated than the latest 3G handphone, which is why you people shall get a 'quote-treat' from me today.

Balian of Ibelin: 'What could a king ask of a man like me?'
Godfrey of Ibelin: 'A better world than has ever been seen. A kingdom of conscience. A kingdom of heaven'

Yes indeed, if our conscience was our way to the knowledge of God, then heaven is where our conscience was first made.

Godfrey of Ibelin: 'You are not what you were born, but what you have it in yourself to be'
As opposed to the great nature nurture debate, this is a process of self-actualization. We are not determined by our genes or what others teach us, but rather our own hearts.

Hospitaller: 'Holiness is in right action, and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves'

'What God desires, is here (points to the head), and here (heart).'

In life, we only need two virtues to make all the difference: holiness and courage. One of Chirstianity's geatest blunders was to embark on the Crusade. I don't really subscribe to present day mass rallies where people pray against certain 'powers' behind rival religions, simply because it reeks of fanaticism. God only desires the heart, soul and mind, and Hospitaller was right, the head and the heart is where you can find them.

King Baldwin: 'But remember that, even when those who move you be kings or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God you cannot say "but I was told by others to do thus" or that "virtue was not convinient at the time. This will not suffice. Remember that. '

Each man for his own sins, so don't go around play the blaming game.

Sybilla: 'A woman in my place has two faces; one for the world, and one which she wears in private. With you I'll be only Sibylla'

The art of seduction at its best, because its flattery fit for the intellectually inclined. Think with your balls and you will never understand the intention behind.

Sybilla: 'What becomes of us?'
Balian of Ibelin: 'The world will decide, the world always decides'

Nature shall take its course, so why worry for love?

Balian of Ibelin: 'You are a princes, and I am no lord. You have my love, and my answer'

Flattery before rejection is painful, but not if its done with confession. No one I know has yet to melt and break a gril's heart all at once. Saying something like that would only make the guy more irresistable LOL.

On God, faith and love

"Enoch walked with God, then he was no more, for God took him away"-Genesis 5:24

It amazes me at how close man and God were during those times. They didn't have a bible, church, cell group or even a ministry to belong to, yet God gave his boundless love to them nonetheless. Indeed, my Heavenly Father swept this man off his feet. As I look at the state of the faithful today, rife with schisms and conceit, I do ask myself if we have missed the point. God is always faithful, he pines for our love and communion with him all the time, but have we indeed found the way?

When I read my sister's blog, I realized that she thinks more like Dad as she grows older. It's good in a way, at least there is someone with a more level head to carry on my father's legacy. His prayers and aspirations have been answered. As for me, I don't serve in any ministry, I don't do bible study, I don't fast, I don't advertise my faith and if I can I avoid all church activities. Call me a skeptic, but these are simply material forms of existence that people perceived as 'Christians' subscribe to. Doing those things does not mean I'm a better child of God. In fact, being a second-generation believer means the identity crisis becomes a more painful experience. Hate to say this but if you were born into a 'church-going' family, and you still think God was Santa, something is definitely wrong with you. They call it 'false consciousness'

However, there are certain things I do which I don't ever want to take away. Bare essentials? I don't know. It's all I have to see me through, until I meet my Maker.

1) I read my Bible. Yes, its a blur, but nonetheless I still ask for divine wisdom. Let's hope it gets clearer day by day

2) I pray. I get earnest during trials and I try to my best to keep talking to Him even during periods of blessing. Its like pouring your heart out to the ONLY one who understands. Yes, from my darkest thoughts to my biggest dreams. There is nothing He doesn't know.

3) I go to church. Although some clergy spout nonsense and turn pulpits into a platform for politics, there are still God-fearing people who are able to illuminate hidden truths.

4) I try to show the truth to the seeker. The keyword here is 'try', simply because I am a big fat hypocrite and that evangelism in the 21st Century is an engima. Christ said, 'Make disciples' not 'make converts'.

There are moments when I feel Christ was a hopeless romantic. Seriously, we're the shittiest creatures on earth, but yet he gave us a free will. It seems that in the Garden, he knew that 'our sense of being' would be our undoing. Was he prepared to let us go? Everyone knows being rejected by a lover sucks to the max, yet how many times have we rejected the One who was meant for us? We don't just say 'no', we even think he was mad when he died for us. For all my emo-ness, I can never see myself waiting for my beloved to that extent. It's because there is such love, without boundaries, that I know every moment, every breath I take is worth living.

Being faithful, its never easy for me. The prophet Jeremiah, in his book Lamentations, could find no better way to describe the feelings our Maker has for everyone of us:

'His compassions fail not, they are new every morning: Great is thy faithfulness' (3:22-23)

Is it time to dance?

The LOTR musical in UK is auditioning for hobbits. Eligible applicants must be hairy males below 1.7m in height. Now I like that, finally a decent, reputable and glamourous career for short stuff like me. But anyway, my essays are progressing with the speed of snails. I'm supposed to be reading about Buffy. Yes, the character of my dreams. Small, fiesty, kick-ass babe who falls in love with vamps. Thing is, I only drink pig's blood and I certainly don't have fangs. Cause if I was indeed a vamp, I would have starved to death. The babes won't let me near their necks

Now, of late I've been rather detached where affairs in the class are concerned. Its good in a way, I mean there ain't much gossips going on anyway. Everyone seems to have a nice decent life, if you don't think or observe too much into it. Sometimes, the wisest thing is not to be bothered. You know, just keep quiet, smile a bit and don't crap so much. A ghostly, transformation, if I might add. Just learn to live and let live and enjoy being tortured by piles of readings aye?

On the other hand, personal issues have got to a stage where I wonder if there is any feasible solution. If the keyword here is 'try' then all it takes are just a few 'retards' to forget and spoil the whole show. Now I'm not saying that you guys are literally stupid, but I mean sometimes we should just learn to accept the way certain things are and not think bad about it. For example, just because I don't turn up DOES NOT MEAN I'm not on good terms with all of you. It just simply means, where catching up is concerned, you guys should give me more time to share more interesting experiences, rather than talk about the prata we had yesterday. So yeah, let's make this world a better place by giving each other some decent space.

I'm thinkin of taking up blading again. Kinda missed those days when I could just get my adrenaline up on eight tiny wheels. East Coast Park, cutting wind, ogling the babes in skates...what a life.

Totally pissed with the fact that NTU students are spoon-fed 6 months of industrial attachment. You know, well most of you know that I'm married to my studies. I'm no genius, every piece of work, every comma in my essay is the painstaking result of hours of meditation and sweat. But sometimes, I even come to the shocking conclusion that MY COURSE DOESN'T TEACH ME ANYTHING. Man, you know the world today looks for people with skills. Lawyers, docs, accountants, engineers, designers, bankers, salesmen, politicians and porn actors, these people contribute to the economy, the grand flow of things...in one way or another. You wanna know what we do? We just sit on our couches and muse about dead philosophers. Really, it makes no sense at all. In sum, we learn nothing, but we're darn good at questioning EVERYTHING.

So yeah, I've got my applications out to Mediacorp and SPH. Few more companies are up next, but apart from research based fields, the pay is CRAP. Now here's the plan, if she says yes, we'll get married within the next couple of years, apply for a flat and setttle for working class status? Hah! I bet that's the worst case of being tied down man. Imagine having no time for family life? The kids will be the most rotten brats the world has ever seen. So to make things better, I gotta pray for divine opportunity, which really I mean is totally up to the One Above. First, I'm gonna learn film-making next year. With course fees of $2,500, I gotta go work for my own moolahs or rob a bank. At the rate the government allocates placements for NTU students, i'm crossing my fingers hard.

So yeah the future is bleak. But I'm still inspired by this family friend, an 'O' level fella, who married an NUS arts graduate. 10 years ago, as a senior copywriter, he earned a whooping 17K/mth. Slogans, jingles and texts on pictures get you sooooooo much money? Advertising is an industry that does not believe in meritocracy. Talent is a like a melting pot of ideas. To be good, you need to know when to strike at the hot stuff. Today, he's the creative director of an international ad firm. His wife can finally be a tai tai, with two foreign maids to look after their four adorable kids.

Now, if talent and passion are all that matters, I do hope it can take me there as well.

The needy & the deserving

My heart is still missing, and I'm sure someone stole it. Whoever has it can call 1800-112-heartbreakgirls. Only females are eligible, gays will be subject to criminal prosecution.

I remember one night, over dinner, Missy K and me were discussing...er gossiping rather about the many things under the sun. So we came to this question about the people who need and don't need a girlfriend/boyfriend. When we came to this particular person, what she said got me thinking about the issues that bother our hearts every now and then.

"He doesn't need, but he certainly deserves"

The deserving, I wonder how many of them are really out there. If love is indeed selfish, then it can only be about satisfying our own needs, or even our desire to be loved. So how does someone reach a point in his/her life, where the object of affections becomes a timely and well deserved reward? I don't fancy the idea of treating someone as a prize to be gained, but as much as we are creatures of emotion, are we able to deal with the complications and commitments that encompass the reality of it? Certainly, it does take more than just raw passion to make things work?

But what if we didn't have emotions, what if love was just something humans make rather than cherished? Its not hard to imagine that everyone will have their due gratification, but it certainly makes us all less deserving. When I asked Vin about the controversies of having a f**k buddy, he told me that there isn't any meaning to just having a shag and not getting emotionally involved. You just feel so clueless, you wonder how many more orgasms you would need to stop feeling that way. On the other hand getting your heart into the sex simply goes against the tenets of 'f**k buddism'. If its such an agony, I guess those who subscribe to it always feel like shit. For all his nonsense, my friend's wise words last night were indeed thought-provoking.

My love life is virtually non-existent. I've always felt that holding on to things that you have no control of only brings you heartache and pain. Still, I'm no android (even if Mel says my brain functions like one), and thinking logically in times of emotional turmoil can tear me apart. Looking inside, I know I have feelings, but am I able to live them out at this point in time? It really is a difficult question, for I know that if you act on your feelings alone you might begin with a lover, and end without a friend. A consequence of such measure could never suck more.

After reading Dom's blog, I managed for once to have a little ray of revelation shining down on my grey matter. If patience is a virtue, I pray that it will lead me to the answer in the end. After all, the best soups are those that are left to simmer for the longest time right?

Shed a tear 'cause I'm missing you
I'm still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you're in my heart now
Said woman take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said sugar make it slow
And we'll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience- Guns N' Roses

Exposition on 'The Advent Children'

Preface to the previous post
As the mechanism of emotional regulation was defective the previous day, much of the content has been deemed unfit to be featured on this site. Like the proverbial saying, 'the heart is deceitful above all things', I guess there isn't much of a point delving too deep into the web of love, for what you feel the most may not be the essential truth. With enough sleep and some transcendental peace, it was time to bring back the 'hero' within from his self-imposed exile. Cosmic forces of good and evil are engaged in a ceaseless struggle on this side of reality, but what is humanity's take on the issue?

'The Advent Children'
In a world ravaged by self destruction and the extra-terrestrial calamity of Jenova, life becomes a plague of sadness that even the protagonist, Cloud, refuses to take up arms to salvage the impending disaster. Two years have passed since his great battle with the diabolical Sephiroth and with the death of his best friend and girlfriend, life seems to be covered with an eternal cloud of gloom. Working as a delivery boy, Cloud resides in the city with long time friend, Tifa and two orphans, Denzel and Marlene. Almost everyone, including Cloud suffers from a disease known as Geostigma, a pestilence brought about by the conflict between the earthbound Lifestream and viral cells of Jenova. According to Kadaj and his partners, who form part of the renegade SOLDIER squad once under the dominion of the ruler Shinra, the Lifestream is their mother. Only through the merging of Mother and the Jenova cells can bring about Sephiroth's resurrection, but is that the eternal resolution? Apparently, Shinra thinks otherwise, thus he seeks the aid of Cloud in averting the imminent destruction.

On technique
Now, given the quantum leaps in computers and 3D animation, stylistic elements are able to enhance reality to humanly impossible limits. Take multiple transition shots arranged in microsecond sequences, and you have high octane action to complete the equation. For example in the bike-battle scenes taking place in underground highway, its impossible to string real life humans crossing swords right below speed bikes moving at terminal velocity. Well, with montage on the 3D scenes, you feel as if those guys could really fly.

On meaning
A fairytale conflict between good and evil? Think again, the Japanese production carries a potent concentration of intertextual elements, with minimal narrative novelty. First, the name 'Jenova' parallels the Hebrew 'Jehovah', and in Latin it means New God. There runs a literary connotation relevant to Christianity. Jenova is perceived as the Destroyer, the one who comes to judge the world for its sins. It is an alien life form, whose forms are used to create the beings that belong to SOLDIER, the strongest of them being Sephiroth, who becomes the villain and the personification of the Evil One. Sephiroth rebels against Shinra, the human scientist who engineered the SOLDIER project and seeks to use the Lifestream to his own benefit. This suggests the futility of mere humans trying to play God, that the root of all evil stems from our own foolish conceit.

Even the character of Cloud is characterized through the cynical hero who is brought from isolation back into the fray. While it contradicts Zen teachings or physical and spiritual abandonment, the similarities to the classic tragic hero predominate. Like Richard Blaine from Casablanca, Cloud finds redemption not through the life recluse, but in waging war against the forces of evil, of which he triumphs.

Lastly, and perhaps most interestingly, is the deserted church with the flower bed and pool. While the church represents a place of sanctuary, its desecration turns it into a place of war, where TIfa battles Loz in the beginning of the film. Her defeat at the hands of the villains becomes the start of the catalysts to the climax of the storyline, as Loz steals the chest of Materia, which increases their power, and potential to wreak havoc on earth. However towards the ending, with the final defeat of Sephiroth, the church becomes a haven of communion and renewal. Using the power of lifestream, Cloud cures Denzel of the Geostigma, through a baptism-esque ritual, which can be a signification of the purification of sins.

Postscript
Not exactly a phenomenal work of epic proportions. Fantasy certainly produced better works through the likes of Gaiman and Tolkien, but nonetheless, the art of animation goes unsurpassed in the land of the rising sun. With the amount of idea copying and improvement the Japanese make into their craft, no one will be interested in PIxar's productions 50 years from now

Looking back

Its really bittersweet, to find myself writing these things. I'm supposed to be in love, but really that can wait. What goes through my mind tonight, is just how much things have changed, in so short a period of time. One year ago, it was the UN, now there are Cold Wars on every single hemisphere. Why couldn't we just live in peace and be a big happy family?

And yes, without the both of them, my two beloved chipmunks, the sky would have fallen on my balding head. I've split hairs for the kids too many times, and thus now I'm the 'wise old PPJ' that everyone adores and hates. Controversial, scandalous and doing problem sums that are not my own. Yes, if I've wronged anyone, I extend my apologies. Truth is, the moment the stones started to roll, I so felt like retiring. You know, a nice bungalow by the beach, in the pacific with me teaching my own biological children how to ride the waves. So nice right?

Its hard to explain why or how history took this turn. Like what Nick was saying, 'the seasons have all gone' I kinda agree with that in a way. Things are too different now. We think too much, feel too much, bears have turned to cats, vases turn to moldy claypots and shy bitches are merely fairy tale characters. Where were those good old times, when the three of us could just laugh at everyone else?

So here it is to the trio of 82.....thanks for being there every step of the way. I still have my 'two free tickets to the moon' ya?:P